Ask ReproJobs: What can I do about my passive aggressive white co-workers?
Dear ReproJobs,
I work in a reproductive justice office where my coworkers are very passive-aggressive with me and with each other when they have issues. I'm looking for advice on how to handle their passive aggression when I'm new to the field. I also happen to be the only woman of color in the office, so most of the advice that I find online is very privy to being white. It's not realistic for me. I guess I'm looking more for survival tips than advice if anyone can offer it.
— Lonely PoC in the DMV
Dear Lonely PoC in the DMV,
Oof. It sounds like you’re handling a lot (and we’re side-eyeing that you work at a supposed reproductive justice organization and you’re the only person of color, but we’ll leave that conversation for a different day). OK, back to the issue at hand: the passive-aggressive behavior. The reality is that you can’t change others around you, but you can show up to work with integrity and model the behavior you’d like to see from your colleagues. We’ve dealt with our fair share of passive aggression and one tactic that has worked for us is to address it head-on. If you can, we suggest you talk to your supervisor about what’s going on. As part of the leadership team, they’re responsible for maintaining the organization’s culture of how staff treat one another and give and receive feedback. Let your supervisor know that you prefer direct feedback and the passive-aggressive nature is making you feel uncomfortable. Be sure to give concrete examples -- we know how common it is to feel gaslit, and the best thing you can do is come prepared with concrete examples of when, where, and how they were passive aggressive. If this sounds like extra work, that’s because it is, and yes, it’s frustrating to have to do it on top of your job.
If you feel comfortable, you can also try to address it directly with the folks treating you that way. Sometimes asking, “Hey, I just wanted to check in with you. What do you mean by that?” or “I’d love to open a conversation with you as it seems that there’s more to this issue than I am aware of. Can we talk?” can give your colleague the opportunity to address the issue with you in a mature and professional way, and help open the conversation. By showing your colleagues that you’re willing to address uncomfortable topics in a straightforward manner, you are inviting them to step up and do the same. If then they choose not to address it, then that is information that you have and you can work with your supervisor to figure out what that working relationship will look like. Remember, you can only control what’s on your desk. If theirs is messy, they have to work on that in therapy or with their supervisor. You deserve honest conversations and feedback, and maturity in the office.
As for survival tips, our top three: 1) Find some repro folks of color in the DMV to hang out with. 2) Remember that work is work. It’s not who you are. It doesn’t determine your worth. Get your job done and at the end of the day, go home and treat yourself. 3) Use that mental health care benefit, if you have it. Take the time to find a therapist who can help you process dealing with this behavior.
Hang in there,
ReproJobs