Ask ReproJobs: How do I cope with a workplace that disciplines parents?
Dear ReproJobs:
How do I deal with an organization’s leadership that espouses values that they knowingly don't live by especially during COVID-19 when parents are doing multiple jobs to keep everyone fed and alive let alone be a good parent or do their jobs well (or even get sleep)? The policies—yet again—are just all talk, nothing is being adjusted and no one cares to treat their staff with compassion or grace. All the parents have exhausted efforts and are now being "disciplined" one-by-one to keep them quiet. The people in charge are not parents—because again as a movement we don't live our values and we look down upon those who decide to have children (plus why ever promote them...they chose to have kids!)—this is a trying time for folks in the repro movement and all of the flaws are jaggedly cutting through when we were barely hanging on to begin with…
—An exhausted parent who already went to HR
Dear Exhausted Parent,
We hear you. Parents are doing the most with the least right now, and our movement overall doesn’t have policies to adequately support working parents. And many people who are not parenting or caretaking just do not get it, period. It is a special kind of awful when those people who don't get it happen to be the ones in charge.
One question before we get started: Do you have a union? If you do, this is the time to bring this shit to your union rep. That person's job is to advocate for you, and they should get involved here. Based on your letter, it sounds like you don't, but we wanted to check in just in case.
Our first suggestion, as always, is to document everything. Start a document and folder (not on your work accounts or devices) and write down everything that happens, including dates, times, what was said, by whom, and who was present. Screenshot emails, Slack messages, texts, and put everything in that document and folder. Even if it seems mundane, add it in. The more evidence you have, the better. Boundary pushing? A disgruntled response in a meeting when your child hollers in the background? Write it all down.
You mention that your parenting co-workers are being disciplined "one-by-one”; it sounds like it's time for the parents to organize together. Do you feel comfortable talking to other parents on staff? (This would be in off-the-grid channels—personal Signal messages and phone calls, not email or Slack.) They are probably feeling and experiencing the same things you are, and wondering if they're alone and if there's anything they can do about it. If you feel comfortable, ask them to document everything too. And then you bring all that documentation, together, to the Human Resources department (HR) or a trusted board member/board chair. If the HR staffer has any training at all, they will have to take some sort of action since there is clearly a discriminatory pattern happening to more than one employee. If they don't, or you don't want to go to HR again, your best bet might be turning to an employment lawyer and having an initial conversation. The complicated part is that in many organizations HR is there to protect the organization rather than the employees, so be careful.
We know this is asking you and other parents to do more work on top of the five full-time jobs you already have. So if you don't feel up to it, that's ok. If all you can do is survive right now, that is more than enough. We hear your frustration. It is painful when organizations don't live their values, doubly so when that causes harm in addition to hypocrisy. If nothing else, send this (or get someone else to send it) to the managers. Find some camaraderie with other parents and see if you all come up with some brilliant solutions over Zoom drinks. We're with you in this awful mess.
Love,
ReproJobs
P.S. For those of you who are not parenting or caregiving right now, this is a moment that you could step up and support your colleagues. When you see something, say something. Speak out. Talk to HR and explain your values and how you’d like to see your co-workers supported in the workplace.